05 Feb Withdrawals/Deposits: How Does Your Account Look?
I was chatting earlier this week with one of my very close friends, and she highly encouraged me to write about this concept I am about to share with you. I was sharing with her an idea that I heard a speaker address many years ago and it came in the form of one of the most powerful metaphors I’ve ever encountered.
We all have people who are constantly making withdrawals out of the account of our life, oftentimes not ever making a deposit.
This woman introduced the audience to the idea of our life being like a bank account. We have people who are constantly making withdrawals out of the account of our life, oftentimes not ever making a deposit. How many of you can relate? Hands raised? I thought so. Me too. So here’s the deal: you would never tolerate this sort of bullshit with your real life money, so WHY THE FUCK would you tolerate it with your life?? With something WAY more important? Furthermore, why would you be passing out ATM cards to all these folks, sacrificially offering and inviting them to rob you dry? You get where I’m going with this? Take a look at your relationships… all of ‘em: work, friendship, intimate partners, family, the gamut. How many of them are making constant and reciprocal deposits into your account? Into your life?
Our ideal scenario is to only have relationships where each person is simply making deposits… no withdrawals, no cashing out, no robbing.
Our ideal scenario is to only have relationships where each person is simply making deposits… no withdrawals, no cashing out, no robbing. But that doesn’t happen, does it? Not only do we entertain these account-suckers, but we keep giving out that damn ATM card. It’s like saying, “Yeah, I totally get that you will never be what I need, but here, take a little more from me.” Seriously think about YOUR LIFE being your bank account. How many peeps in your life need to be CUT OFF? How many people haven’t made a deposit into your account for years, but you keep sending checks and new ATM cards? Guess what? THAT’S ON YOU. Here’s what I really need you to hear: Keep doing what you’re doing, and you will get MORE OF THE SAME. That account-drainer isn’t going to wake up one day and all of sudden realize how much you contribute to the relationship and want to give back to you. Let’s assume that if they are a withdrawal-er… they will always be a withdrawal-er. No amount of sacrifice on your behalf is going to change that. But we all do it… we all think, I’ll just keep on giving and eventually they will want to give to me. So, how’s that been working out?
Here’s the place to look: how many people in your life are constantly making deposits into your account? What’s it going to take to get you there? How many people do you need to cut up cards for? Tear up some fucking checks? At least create some boundaries with? After many years of sacrifice of self, I realized that my new intention was super clear: I only reciprocal relationships… I deposit into their account and they deposit into mine. Done. It took balls. For damn sure. To let go of the takers. And all the shit I just didn’t want to do anymore.
It’s called charity for a reason, so YOU DON’T GET TO EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN.
Now, I did have to introduce a new category into this concept… a category of charity. There may be peeps in your life whom you simply cannot eliminate… and it’s usually family. Or your boss. Or your baby daddy. So, I get it, there may be some people that you need to tolerate or entertain in some way, but it sure as fuck doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat. This is where you get to institute BOUNDARIES. I had a relationship that I didn’t really get a whole lot out of, but I knew that by me showing up and being the best ME, I was greatly contributing to this person’s life… that became the reward. Everything in moderation, however… For instance, if you are involved in philanthropy, it doesn’t mean you spend every waking hour volunteering at the soup kitchen… it means that you decide, on your terms, when charity is IN SERVICE of you, and getting really clear when it is costing you everything. Here’s the other part of this: it’s called charity for a reason, so YOU DON’T GET TO EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN. See why this sort of relationship need to be limited? We aren’t designed to give endlessly of self… we’re designed to build one another up through synergy and love. So WATCH your charitable contributions.
The “my life as a bank account” metaphor has completely changed how I view my relationships. The result is this: I have only rich, reciprocal, rewarding relationships which have (and still are) seriously making me rich beyond words… and now I have the energy to do a small amount of charity work on the side.
So, what is it for you? How do you clean up your account? Get your “finances” back on track? Get on it, man… because you sure as shit don’t deserve to file bankruptcy. Just sayin’.