People Pleasers are Fuckin’ Liars.

I’ll never forget the amazing interview myself and Andrea Owen (the bestie/biz partner over at YourKickAssLife.com) had with the legendary Brooke Castillo this past summer. Although the entire interview was riddled with brilliance, Brooke said one phrase that struck such a cord with both Andrea and me, as well as our audience. She said, “People pleasers are fucking liars.”

Yeah. Let that just sink in for a moment.

People pleasers are Fucking. Liars.

So incredibly true. But we think by people pleasing we are somehow magically catering to everyone around us. Making everyone else happy. But here are two major snafu’s in the whole people-pleasing endeavor: A) You suffer because your authenticity is stifled and B) All anyone really wants is to have people around them who are really REAL. Seriously, do you really, truly want to sign up for friendships who totally sacrifice who they are and simply just tell you what you want to hear? Probably not. In fact, you probably really value the peeps in your life who shoot you straight and call you out on your shit. (At least if you’re the type to hang out ‘round these parts.) It’s fucking refreshing. Why? Because this world is littered with people-pleasers. And we all crave authenticity.

So… do yourself a massive favor and commit to honoring who you are and stop looking to other people to create your self-worth. It really isn’t working for anyone. The following are some concepts to keep in mind and help you step away from the toxic people-pleasing spiral and start living your life on your terms. A pep talk if you will…

In defense of authenticity:

  Know that saying what you mean and speaking your truth DOES NOT mean you have to be an asshole. Say what you mean with kindness and grace.

  Worse things have happened then you not being available for whatever you are invited to. If you don’t want to go, don’t fucking go.

  How you are received and perceived actually has NO bearing on your self-worth.

  Other people’s opinion of you really doesn’t have to be any of your concern. You simply have to DECIDE that it’s not your concern. That’s on you.

  Approval from others gives you… what exactly? Seriously, do a little soul-searching here. What have you made it mean? What if it meant something else? Or meant nothing?

  Living a life so invested in other people’s thoughts and opinions leaves very little room for your personal power. Stop giving your power away.

  Remember that your children learn from your actions. Do you want them to see a parent who caves under obligations or who stands in personal power and handles themself with grace?

  The more you let go of “out there”, the more you have time to nurture and cultivate “in here”. [pointing to my heart].

  By letting go of people-pleasing, you have nothing to lose. And potentially your entire life to gain.

  What sort of peeps do you want to attract into your life? People pleasing liars who you can never really tell what they REALLY want? Or powerful people who stand up for who they are and what they want. Seriously… what’s more attractive? Who do you respect?

  Your heroic people-pleasing is doing nothing for anyone. You are actually just lying and pretending that it’s somehow valiant. Switch your perspective. What would genuine honesty look like?

  Having an opinion is sexy. So, when someone asks what you want, simply saying, “I want whatever you want” is a great way to have NO FUCKING POWER.

  You don’t have to tell someone you hate their haircut if they didn’t ask you… I’m not talking about volunteering info that is hurtful. BUT… if they do ask you… tell the truth and be kind about it.

  Finally, decide that living your life on YOUR TERMS is really, truly more important than anything else. Even someone being bummed that you don’t dig their haircut.

You really are too good to be a fucking liar. Say what you mean. And say it with grace. Please YOU. Stop the martyrdom. Go.

 

xo,

a